I didn’t have big spiritual awakening, nor will myself away from self-destructive tendencies for chemical induced escapism. I did, however, fall in love. It was phenomenon for me, because it was love at first sight. A notion I had written off as stupid, cheesy, or simply impossible for such a skeptic with very little external depth, to experience. It still floors me to this day, that this moment was my saving grace. Although I am still working on really owning the beauty of it 15+ years later, it has indeed been my miracle.
You see, she’s just good. I mean like deep down. I’ve always been so suspicious of every one’s motives and intentions. They may seem good, yet there is an open investigative file in my head that seeks the truth about who a person really is. I suppose that has roots in the fair amount of pretending I did to get what I wanted growing up.
Not Diana, she was the real deal. I could trust her completely and her heart was as advertised, big, beautiful and loved with out conditions. In return, her terms were fairly straight forward. She desired to be loved and demanded loyalty. Seemed easy enough at the time. However, it would take me over a decade to figure out how to love a woman like this the right way. After all, I was a product of a bitter and continuous divorce, one that culminated on top of years of resentment and I suppose, betrayal. I never really got the full story and don’t know that it really matters.
I don’t know if I’ve been lucky, all I know is that I’ve been blessed. It’s the only way a turd like me could make it as far as I have come in life, still married to the one and retaining the respect and admiration of my children. It’s a little unfair, because I have a hard time regretting all the bad decisions I made, all the time I wasted, all my parents money I pissed away, all the people I have either hurt or been an extremely bad influence on.
I know with even the slightest variation of events my present day would be a different story, one that I likely could not be proud of. I relish the chapter of life I’m in right now. I don’t get here without having been there. It lets me off the hook too damn much but hey, I don’t make the rules. Your journey is a culmination of everything. Life compounds over time. Layers form from the experiences that our decisions dictate. It shapes us, and although I’m not in love with every minute of my process, it has led me here, to a place where I have a story worth reading. A story worth telling, that by doing so, someone in earshot will challenge their own reality long enough to ponder a future where things can be different, and if they’re lucky, better.
Many of you know how much Diana means to me. Yet, many don't know the roots of that love. When she committed to me, she committed to a project.
It was one that would take heavy doses of unconditional love and immeasurable patience.
Fast forward to today, she's now the rock that our family stands on. She's our endless provision of love, our biggest fan, and our example to follow.
Happy Mother's Day to the most amazing woman in my life and to absolute best mother a husband could ever hope to have for his children.